assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life