When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”