That’s easy for you to say
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.