When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
do horses think humans are hats
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet