Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.