I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Never let them know your next move 😂
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.