I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
plant them where lol
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.