Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Breaking news:
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.