Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
That’s it.I’m out.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy