4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.