My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My dog ate my work from home.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”