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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
🍛