I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.