*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.