Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
You Might Also Like
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000