My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out