Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
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Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
You can’t rush stupid.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Y’all ready for this
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.