Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Feels
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.