Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
You Might Also Like
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real