High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where鈥檚 Jesuszilla
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we鈥檝e been best friends ever since.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Its a hippotatomus
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
philosophical skeletons be like
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.馃槩”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.