Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Bless you
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆