you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Ugh
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now