me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!