I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
my nickname in college
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.