I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.