friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Life is a suicide mission.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud