We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Best spoiler warning ever
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down