i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
never compromise your values
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*