The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.