Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Just why bro?!
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda