if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You Might Also Like
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
one of
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.