waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Squirrels before girls.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.