Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
You Might Also Like
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.