6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My daily affirmation
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.