the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Strange
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?