When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.