90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.