Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
nyc:
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.