I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My new favorite headline
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
British websites use biscuits.