[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.