Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
omg leave her alone
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest