To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..