it’s a van. how do they not know this
You Might Also Like
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Sounds like a bargain
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Buck naked
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!