If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You Might Also Like
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
me: my friends:
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.