The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS