Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.