Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”