At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.