Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.