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My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
the composer
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth